Imagine you’re super stoaked, since you’re on a first date tonight with that totally tubular chick you’ve been eyeing on from the other end of math class for a month. You’re all ready to set out, she’s lookin’ fine, you think you’ll easily be in for a good time tonight…but not so fast. Lil’ Debby’s morbidly obese, sweater-sporting bible scholar of a mother marches out in the parking lot and has some demands for her “little flower’s special contender.”. Uh-oh, prudes. If you don’t prepare for this scenario, you will have to put up with the world’s ultimate cock-blockers. But how do you prepare? Here’s a set of rules to follow when encountering prudish parents.
- Most often, a prude parent will want you to be home by 10:00, because there’s totally no way you two would have had sex by that point. To deal with this time restriction, you will need to prepare a schedule in advance of the moves you are going to make throughout the night, including timing out your introductions and meaningless conversation topics; scoring a home-run this way is tricky, but can always be made up for with a Grand Slam.
- Avoid chaperones at ALL COSTS. A chaperone parent will stare you down more than the secret service and never give you some “alone time,” so try and talk the parent out of coming along as well as you can. Hell, say you’re going to Chuck E. Cheese’s for a 5 year-old’s birthday. However, if these persuasions fail to work and the parent STILL comes along, be sure to warn the security guard of the club that “Tea Party agents are stalking me” to get them out of the way.
- Present yourself in a fashion that uncultured swines raised in the 1960s will appreciate. Go for that Steve-of-Blue’s-Clues look; be sure you have no facial hair and that your pants are pulled up at least 0.2 centimeters above your waist (some people may have trouble attempting this, but new belt technology may help you keep them up that high). Also, don’t use any internet slang that may suggest linguistic influence from African-Americans, as they will hate this more than anything.
- As long as the prude parents are around, do not speak a sentence without the word “Jesus.” The simplest way to make them think you’re okay is if they think you love “Jesus” as much as they do, so keep him in mind whenever you converse with these acolytes. Also, you ought to say that you are working as a “volunteer carpenter” in the neighborhood and that you “don’t swim;” scientific studies show that people with literary motifs to Jesus are 100% loved by the Jesus community.
- If nothing else works, and you’re quite literally unable to keep them from buggering you, just look at your phone for a second and then say, “Hey, it looks like a pretty big deer just got hit off of the I-95.” Any well reasoned prude would shortly thereafter jump into their car, and speed on over, in hopes of recovering the remains for eating. Don’t cringe at me, it’s the prudes.
So there you have it. Tune in next time when we write about how to bring on the successful genocide of prude parents.